The Not So Big Tent

I just had a “This Will Never Happen” moment. And here it is: The Not So Big Tent

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SPEAKER:

Hello everyone. I’d like to thank all of you for coming. Welcome to The Big Tent of the Democratic Party of 2008. If you could all find a seat, we can get started.

Before we begin, I’d like you to refer to your program notes about the 2006 elections. You’ll remember how the voters turned out in record numbers because of their opposition to President Bush and the War in Iraq. The Democrats promised to lead the country in a new direction.

Well, we all know how that turned out. After the “Bait n’ Switch” 2006 election, there has been a decision to reorganize the Democratic Party in general, and the Democratic Leadership in particular.

I know we’ve all heard a lot about “building bridges,” “reconciliation”, and “reaching across the aisle” in order to build a coalition that will mean victory in the upcoming November election …

Excuse me for a moment … Is that Joe Lieberman over there? … Joe Lieberman? … yeah, he’s sitting over there next to Zell Miller … would a couple of ushers go over there immediately and throw them the hell out of here? Thank you.

Sorry about that interruption, but that illustrates quite nicely what we’re going to do here today. There will be a new direction for the Democratic Party. We’re not going to be “The Big Tent” that tries to appeal to everybody.

So before everyone gets too comfortable, I’d like to read to you from our reorganization plan.

For all those who say they want to end the war in Iraq but continue voting to fund it … the exit is over there on your right.

And that goes for anyone who voted to give the TeleComs immunity for spying on everybody, anybody who voted against overturning Bush’s veto of the Torture Bill, the SCHIP Veto, …oh hell … the list is waaaay too long, so to sum up … everybody who caved in to the Bush Administration over the last seven years … here’s your hat, what’s your hurry, take it on the arches, make like a tree and leave, in short … get outta the tent.

Now I know some of you might think that these measures are too extreme, but do I have to remind you that appealing to everyone means we’d get the religious fanatics too? At best they’re delusional, and at worst they’re stone-cold crazy. We think it’ll work out better all the way around if they stay right where they are with the Republicans.

And of course this also means that those of you who were really looking forward to working with the corporate lobbyists will be disappointed. If you still want to go ahead and meet with them, police vans are right outside the rear of the tent, and they’ll take you over to The Jack Abramoff wing of the Cumberland Federal Correctional Institution for your orientation.

At this time I’d like to ask the Sergeant at Arms to escort Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and John Conyers over to the table to my right where Kathleen Marie Sullivan, one of America’s leading scholars in constitutional law, will be leading a seminar entitled … “How To Do Your Job.”

I’ve got one more item here … There’s been a program change .. I know it says Rahm Emanuel is giving a speech tonight at 7:30 but at the last minute he realized that the only difference between a Corporate Democrat and a Corporate Republican is … spelling. So if you want to hear his speech you’ll have to go over to the Republican tent across the midway … Oh … and be sure to use the entrance that says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

Well, the crowd seems to have thinned out a bit … I think we can use a smaller venue for next month. All those in favor of moving the meeting over to Dennis Kucinich’s rec room say “Aye.”

The Not So Big Tent

March 21, 2008